Everyone who has had close relationships knows that people are quarreling. Regardless of how passionate or compatible they are with each other, partners will still argue and disagree.
If a couple is able to successfully resolve these conflicts, confidence in the relationship grows.
When conflicts accumulate and are not resolved, partners remain with painful scars that threaten their love.
At an early stage of the relationship, in the "candy-bouquet" period, most couples consciously or unconsciously avoid disputes. They prefer to agree on each issue. When their views do not coincide, they try to resolve the conflict right away, avoiding any disagreement.
But the early merger does not withstand the onslaught of life's problems. When partners understand that they need to pay attention to other things besides absolute devotion to each other, differences inevitably come to the fore.
If partners begin to discuss disagreements with mutual approval and support, they are more likely to maintain a close relationship and find a way to resolve the contradictions.
To prepare for a discussion of the conflict, use the 5-Minute Conflict Reducer.
Before moving on to it, each partner performs two simple exercises:
Exercise one. Past conflicts.
Each of you individually should recall several recurring conflicts from past relationships. Record those that have arisen constantly, regardless of which partner you had.
Mark those that have led to a break over time.
Honor your contribution to breaking up. You can name both a general reason such as jealousy, frivolity, the feeling that you are being used or controlled, and something more specific, for example, rare sex.
Exercise two. Discussion.
Share these memories with your partner. Tell us how you behaved in a past relationship. Discuss whether you are acting in the same way now.
Now that you’ve finished your preparations, you can go on to analyze your differences.
Step 1.
Choose one of the conflicts that are often repeated in the past, which began to appear in the current relations. If something like this was present in the previous relationships of both partners, all the better.
Do not despair if you feel growing tension or fear of causing or feeling pain. Even when people know that they are simply portraying a conflict, they can react as if it is actually happening.
If you feel that one of you is overwhelmed with emotions, take a break and help each other return at the moment (use the deep breathing technique).
Step 2
Decide which one of you will start first (it is better if the partner begins, experiencing severe anxiety and anxiety).
Express your feelings with the following five statements:
Problem: "It bothers me that ..."
Fear: "I'm afraid that ..."
Request: "What I need from you right now is ..."
Emotional experience: "I feel that way because ..."
Hope to answer: "When I share this with you, I hope for ..."
Listening to you, the partner should not deny the significance of your words, interrupt you, devalue your feelings or try to convince you that you should experience something else, and not what you feel.
The partner then repeats what you just said as accurately as possible over the next few minutes. He does not have to see or feel the same as you. The partner simply repeats your words, providing emotional support.
Then switch roles. Allow the partner to express his feelings and provide him with the same support.
Step 3
Without discussing or reacting to what each of you said, spend the next few minutes calmly looking into each other's eyes.
Do not take a defensive position and do not take what is said to heart. This is the reality of your partner. Recognize her right to exist, even if you assess the situation differently.
After both of you have completed this exercise, calmly express your thoughts and ideas about how you can alleviate the partner’s experiences.
Listen to each other. Do not look for the guilty. Do not argue over who gives in or demands more.
If you see that you are stuck or reacting too painfully, stop and tell your partner how you feel. Explain which memories or circumstances evoke these feelings. You will need additional support and partner involvement before proceeding.
When you are done, do not start negotiations immediately. Release the situation for a while. Do something together to remind you why you still love each other.
May intimacy prevail over disagreement. You will be able to return to the discussion of the conflict when you strengthen the bond with each other.
Intimacy and mutual support do wonders!
The technique will allow you to better understand the nature of conflicts before they destroy your relationship. You will gain self-confidence and partner support.
